Trying
by child-ephemeral
Summary: Chapter one of...several. She doesn't want to let him in because she doesn't want to let him go.
1. Chapter 1

_For: J and Kym._

_Authors Notes: Based around the time of The Leopard: Parts 1 & 2. Because I always felt like Smithy and Cass had a bond that was never explored. Till now._

_Lyrics are from 'Trying' by Lifehouse._

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* * *

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_"Could you let down your hair, be transparent for a while,  
Just a little while, to see if you're human after all."_

"So you're definitely going then?" Cass plonked herself down into the seat behind her.

"Looks like it, yeah." Smithy's grin spread across his face.

"You really want this, don't you?" Cass smiled. He wasn't enthusiastic about much, but this seemed to have really gotten him going. She watched as he sorted through a pile of CDs, throwing them carelessly onto his bed.

"Can't wait to get away. From this place at least."

"Oh, so we meant that much to you, then?" She grinned, caught up in his excitement.

"You know what I mean…" he paused, "don't ya?"

"Its alright mate," She shook her head. "You're going on to better things an' all that." She turned away, trying to change the subject before she let too much show. "Wonder where Sam is with the takeaway?" She moved to the window, staring out over the street.

Smithy raised his head, watching her as she sighed again. Something was up, but he couldn't work out what it was.

"Cass?"

"Yeah?" She faced him again.

"Y'ok?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" She snapped, the words tripping off her tongue faster than she could stop them.

"Uh, just asking..." Smithy shook his head. "Won't bother next time..."

Cass wandered sheepishly towards him.

"Sorry Smithy...not your fault."

"S'ok." He smiled. "Must be boring the hell out of you with all this S019 stuff, right?"

Cass smiled. "Driving me up the wall!"

He grinned back. "Good!"

Cass opened her mouth to speak before a sudden push made her fall to the bed beside her. Smithy stood above, smirking down at her. "Careful."

"Oi!" She got to her feet hurriedly. "What was that for?"

"Just to remind you why you'll miss me when I go."

"You wanted to make me miss you…" She raged in mock anger. "…by pushing me!"

"Yeah."

As quickly as the first time, Cass found herself in a heap and glaring up at the laughing face of her assailant.

"I should get you for that."

"So why don't ya?"

"Can't be bothered." Cass shrugged. "You didn't need to do that though."

"Push you? Course I did."

"No." Cass fell serious. "Remind me that I'm going to miss you."

"What's up with you? Getting soft in your old age?"

"Smithy...please."

Smithy frowned as Cass turned away from him.

"Cass..." He stared at her. "You're making me nervous."

"Sorry mate..." She stood up suddenly, striding towards the door. "Better check where Sam is, yeah?"

* * *

Cass rushed out of the locker rooms, fastening her tie as she ran. She was late enough as it was, and the briefing had already started. Her head pounded as her stomach churned. If she hadn't known better, she'd have called it a hangover, though she hadn't had a drink in days. Reaching the door, she took a deep breath and entered the room. 

"Nice of you to join us, PC Rickman." Sergeant Ackland's voice broke through her thoughts.

"Sorry Sarge. Won't happen again, Sarge." She repeated the mantra that was all too familiar.

The relief scattered, heading out on their different patrols.

* * *

Cass..." A voice called from behind her. Footsteps approached as Sam ran to catch up. "You coming to the pub tonight?" 

Cass shook her head. "Oh...er, doubt it...not feeling too good, mate…"

Sam grinned at her. "Lightweight! You're letting the side down. Anyway, you don't have a choice tonight."

She stared back at him, her face blank. "Eh?"

"Its Smithy's leaving drink, remember?"

* * *

Gathered around half the tables in the Elcott Arms, the group toasted Smithy, with the obligatory puns about 'boy's toys' and 'big weapons' working their way into the conversations with alarming regularity. 

Roz giggled, smacking his arm flirtaciously as he recounted an anecdote from his time in the army. Cass glared, wishing she could bat Roz away in the same manner, using a degree more force than Roz had in mind.

Reaching the punchline, the group laughed, Roz using it as an excuse to drape herself across Smithy's shoulder. Cass felt sick.

"I need some air." She turned, pushing herself up and towards the pub doorway.

Smithy arched an eyebrow at Roz's behaviour, watching Cass heading for the exit.

"She ok?" He motioned to a couple of others. Gaining only shrugs in response, he finished his drink and headed for the door.

* * *

"Leave me alone please, Smithy." She didn't turn to look at him. 

"Cass..." he tailed off, unsure of what to say.

"Smithy." Her voice was firm. "Just leave me alone."

"Cass...please." His voice was the closest to pleading she'd ever heard it. "Talk to me?"

* * *

"You don't get it do you?" Cass shouted, her accent growing stronger as her voice grew louder. "It's staring you in the face and you still can't see it! Are you really _that_ stupid, Smithy?" 

He stared back at her. "What?" He shook his head, his own voice raised. "What do I not get?"

"You don't see it." Her voice was quieter, and he couldn't hide from the bitterness in her words. "Maybe you don't want to see it." She sighed. "Oh, well done Cass. You made a right mess of this, didn't ya?" Her head dropped as she tailed off.

Smithy frowned, eyebrows raising as the realisation dawned on him. "Uh..."

He cleared his throat, trying to find the right words. "…why didn't you say?"

"Say what exactly? 'Hey Smithy mate, don't go to SO19, don't leave Sun Hill, stay here at a station you hate because, guess what, I'm secretly mad about you.' Yeah right." She glared back, sarcasm dripping from every word.

Smithy fixed her with his trademark stare. She felt her stomach flip several times over. "You should have said..."

"I didn't want to say anything at all!" She lowered her head, avoiding his gaze. "Somehow it was easier when you didn't know." She looked away, staring into the wall in front of her. "You've got to go. That's it, there's nothing more to it. You have to go to SO19."

Smithy smiled. "It's only SO19, Cass. It's not like I'm leaving the country. " He grinned. "I'm not even leaving London!"

Cass shook her head firmly. "Things'll be different, Smithy. What about that Julie girl from training, bet you'll jump into bed with her, won't ya!"

Smithy shook his head as he stifled a laugh. "Do you hear what you sound like?"

Cass looked at him blankly. "And now you're laughing at me."

"This ain't the Cass Rickman I know." He reached out for her, somewhat awkwardly, placing his hand on her shoulder. "The Cass I know wouldn't let a bloke make her feel like this."

"Yeah, well." She sniffed. "Its amazing the effect you have on people, Smithy. On girls. An' half the time you don't even care. "

"And what if this time I do?"

"Oh great. The sympathy vote."

"Cass." He hesitated, before dipping his head, leaning forward and kissing her. "Shut up."

Her mouth formed a large circle. "Oh."

* * *

_To be continued…_


	2. Chapter 2

_Authors Notes: Short I know, just a transitionary chapter to get this where its going. The next chapter will be better. Hopefully._

* * *

_"Honesty is a hard attribute to find, __w__hen we all want to seem likewe got it all figured out."_

* * *

Smithy sat at the table, staring down into his bowl of cereal. He scooped up a spoonful of the now soggy hoops, before thinking better of eating and letting them drop back to the milk below. He leaned back in the chair, wearily running his hands over his face and back through his hair, the motion developing into a stretch as he moved. It wasn't nerves. He wasn't nervous. More...apprehensive. Today was a big step forward for him and he didn't want to muck it up. Not yet, at least. And especially not, given his track record at Sun Hill. Pushing the bowl away from him, he gazed around at his new surroundings, before slowly making his way to get ready for his first day as a member of the firearms unit.

* * *

Already sitting in the briefing room, Cass glanced at her watch, wondering whether Smithy had started work yet. She looked up in time to notice a face she didn't recognise watching her from the doorway. Awkwardly, she nodded a greeting, before resuming her stare at the whiteboard in front of her. _Smithy's replacement._ _Already._ It felt traitorous somehow, though she wasn't sure why.

"Hi, I'm Adam."

The new guy was beside her, and holding out his hand to her. Accepting it, she shook his hand, smiling uncomfortably.

"Cass."

* * *

"Where did you disappear to last night, PC Rickman?" Tony's cheerful voice echoed across the small room. Cass shrunk back into herself momentarily before fixing a grin upon her face and smiling back as other members of the relief filed in.

"I couldn't hack it Tone," she grinned cheekily, "I'm not the young thing I used to be..." she winked.

"Fair enough..." He grinned back, carefully choosing the seat beside hers and leaning toward her conspiratorially. "But what did you do with Smithy?"

She felt the heat as her face flushed red. "Whaddya mean?"

Tony smiled. "He left not long after you." His eyes glinted. "Was very strange. Followed you out, then came back, said a few goodbyes and disappeared again. You er...you didn't see him, did you?"

Cass stared ahead again, desperate not to catch his eye for fear she would blush again. "No..." she hissed, as Inspector Monroe and Sergeant Cryer entered, closing the door behind them.

Tony smirked, turning back towards the front of the room. "Must have had an early shift this morning then. Probably just off to catch some shut-eye. Just like you did."

* * *

_More to come soon..._


End file.
